So, officially it is Christmas. I am home at my mom's in Massillon sitting on the couch surrounded by presents. And a cat who wants to play with a ribbon but jumping isn't her strong suit anymore (sorry Lily, lay off the cat food!) I am warm, with a roof over my head, there will be plenty of food for me tomorrow to eat, let alone now in this house. I have this over whelming feeling of gratefulness, of being so lucky, so blessed and yet so overwhelmed.
For most people know that this past year or more like year and a half has been really tough. Parents went through a fairly nasty divorce, one of my sisters went down a nasty hole and thankfully came out of it so much stronger, I have been dealing with my completely screwy finances and my boyfriend's family went through their own hell but, yet, as I sit here I can't help but feel so fucking lucky that I have what I have. I am still a slightly angry, bitter 5 year old who feels like her world crumbled when her parents stopped loving one another and I know I am allowed to feel that way for a good long while. Even as an adult child I am still going to be that sad little one on the inside. But they both still love me. My sister is so much better. Both are going through life at such a wonderful, exciting pace getting ready to become adults. And we have pretty decent relationships! I am gone 75% of the year and yet we still get along and I know they love me.
I have gotten so many great things, literally, this past year. Lots of opportunities to eat at great places, so many presents and new things to try! For someone on a limited budget of sorts I have a lot of stuff! Holy crap! I fucking got a car this year thanks to my future mother-in-law! I have never been more grateful for a gift before of this magnitude and I should know because I essentially threw away the first car ever given to me from my aunt because I was an idiot! I am so lucky! Hell, she even put me on her AAA membership! High end make up from my boyfriend and holy hell this Christmas already!
Ok, I know I have rambled a bit. I am just feeling overwhelmed by what I have, what I have gotten, what I'll end up getting. To me, this next year will be better. Not necessarily easier, but a lot better than it has been. Both my parents love me, plus my biological father. My extended family and my sisters love me. I have wonderful friends, new and old. My boyfriend of over 3 years! I am rich in items and in people in my life. To know that there is so much support, so much love, so much giving of everything they can just lets me know it is time to stop pouting and move on. Life will get better, with work and time and with me having the right mind set. I just know it. And it won't be easy either but I can deal.
If you take away anything from my jumble of thoughts, take this: that you should consider yourself so lucky and blessed for what you have. There are going to be so many more moments in life that knock you on your ass and make you want to stay there but keep moving. Look around you and take in all you have and just remind yourself it could be so much worse. That those who love you will be there no matter what. To shower you with love and kindness and help, among other things. You won't always be happy, but always feel blessed.
I hope everyone has a happy holiday season, whatever they celebrate!
E
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